Regrets
by autumn-leaf16
Summary: The Warden Queen comforts Hawke after a tragic incident, as well as attempting to persuade Anders against his decision (warning: there will be spoilers inside).


_**Disclaimer:** I owe nothing of Dragon age, it is the property of Bioware._

 _ **Author** ' **s Note** : Contains spoiler for both the first and second game._

* * *

It wasn't meant to be like this- that was all Marian could think of. It was meant to be the opposite. Not everyone could have a happy ending, but this tragedy was too much.

Her mother was dead, murdered. Her mother was treated as if she was nothing but a rag doll, stitched with new replacements. Her mother was murdered and she did not even have a proper burial, as that would mean even more harm being inflicted on the one who has already suffered so much.

Alone in her room, she could only cry. There was nothing else that she could do, as nothing mattered anymore, because her mother could not be saved.

She was too late. Marian Hawke saved so many and many expected her to be the hero again, but when the most important choice came, she could not make it right.

"…I don't know what to say, but I am here." Came the voice she knew well. She didn't know how long he stood there, but once he spoke, his presence was too strong for her to ignore.

The silence stretched on and she could continue to hear the words of reproach of her failure. It was all the more painful due to her wondering whether he would join his voice onto them.

"Say something, just…say anything." She pleaded.

"They…they say death is but a journey." Was what was uttered by Fenris and if not for the circumstance, she would have been moved at this clumsy attempt.

"Did that help?" unfortunately, Fenris had to add this.

All of a sudden, Marian was filled with anger. Anger at all those that demanded help and those who reproached her for not doing enough. She knew that Fenris was merely attempting to help her, but this only increased her anger.

"How is that suppose to help?" she yelled out, finally turning to him.

The moment she saw him, she regretted her outburst, as his expression showed how much her words hurt him.

"I…I think I need to be alone." she said as she looked down again.

Fenris sighed deeply and he actually touched her on the shoulder very gently before he left.

Then he was gone, just like how he left her on that night. Perhaps it was just as well that he did the same thing this time, as she would probably have lashed out even more.

"…it is not your fault."

It was Rose and Marian realised that she should probably gave the other a proper thanks, as it was Rose that temporarily took over and even arranged the funeral.

"I could have done more, I should have done more." Marian whispered.

She had wanted someone to say that this was not her fault, but once she heard these words, she realised that she did not deserve them.

"When my parents died, I blamed myself too." Rose said softly. "I kept on saying that I could have done more, that I should have done more."

Upon this, Marian turned to look at the other woman and not only was her voice sad, her expression indicated that this was something that still caused her great sorrow. She then wondered whether this was what she looked like as well.

"My parents were killed by bandits." Rose continued, her gaze was now far, no doubt looking at the memory that only she could see. "My brother went away to fight and I was meant to be guard our home at his absence. Instead, all died but me."

Rose did not speak much of her family, but they still managed to gather various information due to snippets that were said throughout the time the other travelled with them.

Her parents died during the fifth blight and her remaining relative was her elder brother. During the blight, she travelled and that was how she met both her future husband and Anders, who actually regarded her as one of his few friends. Despite being happily married, Rose decided that it was necessary for her to travel to Kirkwall due to a certain business. Her friendship with Anders and Marian then resulted in her making visits and travelling with them now and then.

"Bandits attacked us, overpowered us. I woke to find my sister-in-law and my little nephew dead in their own room. Then my parents…" Rose continued, and the voice that she had tried to force to be steady was now wavering. "My father was fatally injured while my mother refused to leave him. They told me to leave. They told me that I must be the one that live."

The words were delivered with a choke and when Marian looked up, she saw that these words were also accompanied by tears.

"I escaped, I escaped and lived while my parents died." Rose continued, anger in her voice. "Even now, I wonder whether things would be different if I stayed."

"But it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have took down all the bandits yourself." Marian immediately reasoned out.

"I know, and I know that my parents wished for me to live. However, it was a long time before I finally forgave myself." Rose said. "In the immediate aftermath, I often felt that I did not deserve to live, that I should have died with my parents, my sister-in-law and nephew."

"But what good would that do?" Marian reasoned, perhaps she was temporarily distracted by the other's sorrow, or perhaps it was because she did not want to think about what happened to her any more, and who could blame her?

"So what good is it for you to blame yourself when it isn't your fault?" the other woman said firmly, but gently. "There was nothing more that you could have done, yet you would always wish that you have done more and feel that you could. I understand your sorrow as I once experienced a similar sorrow. That is why I know you will feel guilt and reproach, but it is not your fault."

"I just wish that this did not happen." Marian whispered as she buried her face into her hands, allowing the tears to come down.

"I know, and I was like you too." Rose told her gently. "However, remember that what happened is not something that you should blame yourself for, even though there are times when you would wish to. There was nothing more that you could have done, and your mother would not wish you to grieve so."

Then, the other was gone. It would be a lie to say that Marian immediately felt better, but these words did bring some comfort to her.

* * *

Once outside, Rose sighed, as comforting Marian was merely one of the difficult tasks that she had assigned herself to.

"Is she doing better?" Fenris immediately asked, and his awkwardness almost made her smile, as she was reminded of how another shy young man had tried to comfort her. Due to not knowing how to do so, he ended up asking their companions, but the way that he asked was so clumsy that they actually made her laugh out aloud when it was relayed to her.

"It is not easy, but she would be better." Rose said without any hesitation, because that was what had happened to her.

"Should I go then?" Fenris pressed on. "I think seeing me makes her angry, but I do not feel that I should leave her."

"Right now, she is angry at you, but latter on, she would be glad that you were here." Rose said before she walked out to find one of the two other that she needed to talk to.

As she expected, he was seated in the next closest room, sacrificing being closer due to the occupant there.

"The last thing she need is the two of us fighting." Anders said simply. "And even though I don't want to admit this, he has more of a right to be there instead of me."

"She is upset, but she will be better." Rose said before she sat down across him. Now that she thought about it, it had been years since she first met Anders. This man bore little trace to the mage that grinned sheepishly at her amidst the room full of darkspawn. Even in his most relaxed moments, she found it hard to believe that they had both crouched in front of the cat worriedly due to the fear of him refusing this meal too.

"So, since we are alone, should I call you your majesty or your highness?" Anders asked, his tone containing a faint trace of the man that would joke with her and her companions. It was this man who jokingly refers to her return to her husband at court as the old balls and chain.

"Elissa will do, that was what you called me before." She reminded him.

"That was before I realised that you are the Queen." He pointed out. "And then you said that addressing you with any title would be too conspicuous."

"I don't recall you being so reluctant before." She said before she sighed. "Anders, I will be honest, I am really worried about you."

"Why? What is there to worry about?"

"The fact that you have to ask me this is reason enough."

The man she knew was bitter due to what had happened, and there were times when he would strike out in many ways. However, despite all his complains and rants, this was not a man that would harm innocents due to the claims of greater good.

"I don't know what you are doing, but I know that you are planning something dangerous." She began. "Regardless of what is it that you are planning, I want to tell you to not do it. Changes need to come, but you cannot force changes to come."

"Spoken like a Queen, a well rehearsed answer that promises much but deliver little." He said cuttingly before he sighed as well, "I am sorry, that was not something you deserve. I know that you are different and I have seen you do these things. However, the rest are not like that."

"Anders, you can come back to Amaranthine." She suggested desperately. "I can talk to the wardens for you. Or, you can go to one of the circles in Ferelden. It is very different now due to the reform that my husband has made. There, you can make the changes that you wish."

A very faint smile appeared, but the line quickly flattened, changing into a frown instead.

"…it is too late."

The final person she needed to talk to has appeared, and she suspected that this would be the most difficult task. Unlike Marian, who needed words of hope, or Anders, who desired words of assurance, this was someone who was certain of what he wished.

"It has been a while, Justice." Rose said quietly. "Although I suspect that the name is no longer correct."

Just as she was coming to terms with Anders, she was trying to remember the spirits that had been concerned at having caused a grieving widow a few tears, as well as the spirit that was in awe of the beauty of the world.

"Do you still have the lyrium ring?" she finally said. "You told me that you will keep it by your side as a reminder that even in misfortune, good can be found."

"A sentiment, that is all." The being said without any hesitation. "This world needs to be burnt by justice. You have seen what the mages are subjected to! I will have every one of them to die for these abuses."

"This is not justice!" Rose said sharply. "Justice is not destruction. Justice is fairness. What you describe is…vengeance."

"Impossible." The being retorted. "For I am justice itself."

"No, you are vengeance!" Rose insisted. "You are no longer seeking to make things right. You merely wish to avenge yourself."

"You have no right to say this, you who gave in to sloth. You would stand by while mages are abducted and tortured." Was the spiteful reply.

"This is not you! I know, because I am the one that first met you. This you is no longer you – "

Rose's words, however, was forced to cut short due to the arms that suddenly locked itself around her throat.

"Leave and interfere no longer if you would not help." Was the harsh command. "Because you were the one that found me, I will give you this warning."

Then, she was at the floor, rubbing her sore throat.

"I cannot just give up on you or him." she whispered hoarsely.

"Then join us! Let the same fire of justice burn as it did on these darkspawns."

"What you speak of is not justice." She said once more.

"But it is what is necessary." Anders told her even as he leant down to help her sit up. "What will you do then, Queen Elissa?"

"The frustrating bit is that I don't know what I can do." she said bitterly. "It was easier during the blight, because everyone agreed that the archdemon is the enemy. But now?"

* * *

A few days later, Marian began to carry out her daily life again. Kirkwall was a place with great tension and it was not going to stop due to her own tragedy. Very soon, she was busy once again.

She naturally visited Rose and thanked the other woman. However, the scene she found was very different from what she expected.

Anders was there and he was shaking his head due to what Rose was saying. Very carefully, Marian stepped closer so that she could hear their conversation without giving herself away.

"…too dangerous." Rose was pleading to Anders. "It is not too late to return to Ferelden with me."

The other simply smiled sadly and shook his head, which was to be expected.

The next bit, however, was a great surprise.

Anders actually placed his arms on Rose's shoulder and leant forward to plant a kiss on her checks.

"I want you to know one thing," he said gently, "None of this is your fault. You tried to help me in the best way that you can, and I am sure that Justice would say the same too."

Marian knew that Anders and Rose were friends as they met during the war in Ferelden, but she was still a bit surprised that Ander was willing to display this level of intimacy.

"But in the end, I couldn't help you or him." She said bitterly. "It might be a long time before I can return. I hope…I hope to see you again."

"I hope so too, but hope is not always the same as want, is it?"

Then he was gone.

Entering the room, Marian saw that the other woman was clearly agitated. A letter lay on the table and that was clearly a cause of stress due to the way the parchment was slightly crumpled. It was not possible to read the context without being noticed, but Marian had enough time to make out the names.

"Elissa." She said out aloud. "Is that your name?"

Elissa was a very popular name in Ferelden, as it was the new Queen's name. The Grey Warden Queen that fought alongside her people during the blight, who was responsible for the death of the archdemon. It was rather common to find children called that, but Rose was clearly of a much elder age.

It was not an uncommon name, so why was it necessary for her to hide this?

"That is my real name." the other admitted as she picked up the letter again, and regardless of the context, she still smiled due to resting her eyes on the words. "I suppose it is time that I tell the truth to you. My real name is Elissa Cousland."

"Cousland…the Cousland of Highever?" Marian could only repeat this in shock. "You are Queen Elissa?"

"If a title is necessary, then yes, that is what I am usually known as." Elissa admitted. "I called myself Rose because I didn't want to use that name due to any chance."

"What are you doing in Kirkwall then?" Marian asked. "You are the Queen."

"I am also a Grey Warden, and then I am also a friend to both you and Anders." Elissa said without any hesitation. "However, what I can do is limited. I don't know when I will be able to come to Kirkwall. My husband told me that due to what is happening, even an unofficial involvement can be dangerous."

"I understand." Marian assured her. "I will do what I can for Anders."

A silence then descended, as both knew that what they could do for that said person was very limited, yet it was an unpleasant truth that neither wished to admit.

Finally, Elissa broke the silence.

"I was not being completely truthful when I described what happened to my family." She began, "It was not bandits, but a man that my family thought of as our friend."

"I have heard of Arl Howe's crimes." Marian recalled. "It was a major new."

"I told you that I was haunted by what happened to my parents, along with my sister-in-law and my young nephew," Elissa continued, "But I did not tell you what caused the most guilt."

On the eve of the night that would shatter her whole world, a young Elissa had talked to her father's friend, without realising what he was planning.

"I told him, 'I pray for your success'." Elissa said bitterly. "I wished him good luck in slaughtering my family."

"But that is not your fault." Marian immediately said.

"These words haunted me for a very long time, and I know that you will be having words that haunt you as well. In these moments, there is nothing that could be done," Elissa continued. "All I can promise you is that one day, the pain will end, and you will be able to smile again."

"Even Kirkwall?" Marian asked, her voice more bitter then it should be.

"It will happen, just that the moment will probably be very far ahead." Elissa said firmly.

She didn't tell Marian the full extent of her road to recovery, that her brother found her in their childhood home, weeping violently. Nor did she tell Marian the time that her brother forced a maid and guard to supervise her due to worry at what her grief would cause.

"Cry, Elissa, it's alright." Her husband told her gently when he arrived in Highever and saw the state that she was in. "Right now, these moments are painful, but one day, they will end."

One would smile in the light when the moment of pain ends, and despite how long and difficult the road was, it would happen. One day, they would be able to smile again.

* * *

 _ **Author 's Note: **when I reached the opening scene in the second game, I suddenly had the idea of the story due to thinking about what would happen if the warden queen (human noble origin) talks to Hawke above how she lost her parents. Since the PC might also have gone through the events in Awakening, I then had the idea that the PC can also talk to Anders and Justice. I actually think that one of the saddest thing in the second game is to watch how both Andres and Justice ended up being so different from what they were like when the PC from 1 met them._

 _I did feel that my narration is going backward and forward between Hawke and Elissa, but this is because I wanted the beginning to be from Hawke's view, so that Hawke only knows about what is being told. However, since Elissa is talking to Andres and Justice without Hawke, the narration is then from her view._

 _I started the story with the Fenris scene because I think that is a really good way to introduce the scene, and I also think it is really touching the way that Fenris tries to help Hawke._

 _Obviously, a warden queen means that she is married to Alistair although she never names him in the game. However, the fact that she used the name Rose as a disguise is a reference to how Alistair gave her a rose in the first game._

 _In regard to how the Archdemon died in the first game, I leave that to the reader to decide. As this is not the game, there are more possibilities._

 _When I was writing this story, I was looking back at some of the cut scenes and the conversation the PC has with Howe left a huge impact on me. When the PC used up all the possible disalogue options, she can actually tell him that she just want to wish him good luck. At that moment, Howe will suddenly pause and he seems shocked. Even though the guy later turned out to show no regret or remorse, I think at that moment, he actually did experience some sort of guilt. I then immediately thought about how this must be something that would torment the PC once she remembers._

 _This is the first dragon age fan fiction I have written, and if it does quite well, I would like to try and write more, as I do like the game's story._


End file.
